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Wednesday, October 29, 2008,11:26 PM

where are my energy?

what is real? what is virtual? what's true? what's false? what's black? what's white?

i cant differentiate now. the sky seems to be dark every day. stress are streaming in in all directions. i m swimming against the current, fighting for my chance to survive...

i miss them. to define actually i m a little more greedy. i have 4 best friends. those that no matter what i do there are still so important to me. they are yanbing yiwen seokhoon and zhongri. all of them are just so important to me. god is kind. he gave me for angels.

but i m the devil. i hurt my friends. at least 3.

studies are so important.

4 days to 'a's!

jiayou my precious!

Sunday, October 19, 2008,10:19 PM

i (nearly) lost my circle of friends...or have i?

yes i feel much better these 2 days after much thinking.

i realise things.

1. i m really not mature enough for my age. there are too many times that my family and friends have to worry for me, and that's irritating.
2. i haven't been fair to people around me.
3. i haven't been efficient in learning.
4. i dont have much time left.
5. if they are my real friends, we will quarrel, but we are still friends!

in this world when nobody is perfect but yet we can find each other as friends, classmates, schoolmates; and have the opportunity to develop relationship, it's fate. we are fortunate enough as god is always fair to people. we shall complain lesser, grumble lesser, protest lesser; because there is a reason for everything.

dont be complacent with anything you have, as if you dont treasure it, it will be taken back by god. try to have faith in the things you do. it is not that there is no such thing as a perfect friendship. it just that nobody believes there is, so they dont see any. i see that i will have, so i WILL DEFINITELY have. if i let chance slip off delibrately again, i dont deserve the 3rd chance.

what done cant be undone; what bygones are bygones; what's more important is i dont repeat my fault again. if not more will get hurt. not just them. me myself will be hurt deeper and longer.

Labels: repent

Saturday, October 18, 2008,1:57 PM

here are some pictures

05102008 (@ little guilin after lunch)

,1:42 PM

feeling the same...

it is really very saddening when things is not the same as before. when misunderstanding climb so high...

oh god. i do really miss him so much.

i m actually lost and confuse. yet i have to feign ignorance about things i know.

blocking him is my fault i m aware. but do you know how much i m hurt when i m aware that i m not forgiven. you are acting as though you had. if you do not want to sit with me, why dont you tell me. i m even more hurt when i was named as a hypocrite by you. you are not true to me anymore. i know you like someone else. even so why must you insist of not believing that i like you.

you were the one that pulled me up from the valley and brought me to a higher summit. now you pushed me down again. why?

its painful i bet you dont know. its more painful than you thought. you must be laughing hard at me now. you must have been thinking that its you yourself that bring yourself to this sorrowful state. you must be thinking again that cindy is trying to get people to pity her.

if i m this kind of person to you that is a heavy enough punishment. i m oblivious to things now. but i shall not make more people worry for me.

my motive for telling you i like is not to make you mock at me, nor wanting to feel the same way for me. in fact i know it's impossible. i just want to tell you why i felt awkward at times. that's all.

yupps that's all for today.

Friday, October 17, 2008,2:32 PM

dramatic moment

everything has changed overnight.

sounds dramatic?

i am not sure either. i didnt know that i m such a person till i was told. from the reaction to the blocking. i m not sure that whatever i did was correct. i only know that the intention was not meant to hurt anyone. Unfortunately, i did.

i seem to lost my best friend forever. he is gone for good. naming me as his foe, seem to tell me that he is terminating our friendship. i believe i m to be blamed again for making awkward situations for him, and also sacrifices my friends whom are worried for both of us. things turned out to be worse than i have thought. it is 16 days to A levels. amen! but my life is in such a sorrowful plight now. i didnt want to tell anyone how i feel now. because to him sharing something private like this is a sin.

yes. i m coward he might name. i run away from things. but if i dont he will get hurt too. it's such a joke. he is not trusting me anymore for i dont have enough strength to support my promises to him. he gave me a devastating blow.

i apologise to my friends. especially seok hoon and yanbing. sorry for making you girls worry. i m fine. but i wont make you all worry anymore.

this incident train me to be stronger and more mature in a lot of ways.

good bye my friends.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008,2:48 PM

COUNTDOWN~!

i should be sleeping now but nevertheless i still feel like blogging.

it's the last 19 days before the final battle.

i m tired...

i m striving...

i m stressed...

i m optimistic though...

i still felt blessed in many ways. instead of fearing 'a' levels, i m embracing it bravely and i m proud of myself. i told huiting today, " i may not get the best results with my ability now, but at least with my confidence and focus now, i m definitely not going to get the lousiest one!" i want to prove that i can really do it.

i am aiming high. straight 'B's and i hope i can get it! i m not going to give up though i feel helpless at times. i m just going to stay strong and brisked through my darkest days!

i want to say words of encouragements to my best friends!

to zhongri:
thanks for being such a tolerant friend. though we still see each other everyday and we are still good friends, i clearly know i m no longer your confide. However i m truly glad you found a better candidate than me, who is seokhoon. i felt that you have become a more chirpy person. stay happy and healthy. do you know that your smile is very influential. in fact it is more infactious than your laughter. so smile more. plus you are not cute, you are just good looking. JIAYOU FOR OUR COMING 'A's!

to seokhoon:
ce! thanks so much for being there when i need you. besides lin zhong, you are the second friend i know that has the best temper~! apart from scolding me when i do things wrongly, you always tell me in such a nice way! <3<3>

to yanbing:
i really treasure our friendship as this is our 6th year being school mates! taiwan, show, stage will always be around, but once our 'a' levels is gone, they are gone forvever. No matter how tired you are, remember you have us to rely on. though i m not a very superior friend of yours, but hope you still can get comfort whenever you need from me. i wont be selfish. thanks for trying to understand or learn about me. it is surely a pleasant experience to be your friend for so long. Let's work towards our goal of getting most improved student award next year.

too tired le. tml still have listens.

tata~!

Labels: 'a' levels

Thursday, October 09, 2008,5:53 PM

i m a lot better...

who is there when i m in despair?

who is there whenever i throw tantrums?

who is the light that gave me direction whenever i m lost?

who is the one that will be worried about me when i m sulking?

needless to say. it is my dearest daughter and jiejie. recently i dont know what wrong with myself. i have been sulking these days. so much so that i always picked up flaw on my friends. i know i must been insane. who in the right frame of mine will be picking on her friend when she is perfectly fine without problems in terms of family, or in terms of their academic. i must admit i m a person that is super impatient. i dont really like myself either. BUT that is definitely NOT an excuse for me to improve as a person.

no one in this world is perfect. but it is definitely important for me to find my balance. last week or the week. i had a really bad quarrel with my sister over something i cant really remember. it was so heated. i was really in a foul mood that day. she kept me thinking what kind of person i really are. Selfish? Impatient? Irresponsible? Rude? Late-coming? i really manage to convince me that i have all of what she said. she also mentioned that i will lose my friends with such attitude. that really slapped me hard on my face. my friends is so important to me now. so much so that i think they are of equal importance to my family. they are my great support. losing them would be such a blow to me. but yet i dont dare to rebute anything. because whatever my sister says seem to come true eventually.

but she might not know something. i m inferior, low self-esteemed, sensitive and, now, depressed. never mind of what she say. cos i realise there after what she say i started to cold war with kor. that day after i quarrel with joey before our sisl. it somehow reinforce what she said to me. that's when i realise i m really very what she said. i become very paranoid. kept thinking that my friends are going to leave me. it made me so depressed. and unhappy. i have been sulking really too much these day. i seem to lost my sense of laughter. what got worse was that i m not so close to kor anymore. i dont call him at night anymore. he dont sms me after school to ask me where i m now. he dont reply my message. he dont laugh at my jokes. he dont need my accompany le. he dont laugh at my jokes. he dont need my encouragements le. he dont talk to me every now and then. he is not my close friend now even though i still regard him as one. and i know it is not his fault. i drove him away. i get insomnia these days. it seem very definite that calling him become a routine that i tend to lose my sleep. he is really an important friend for me. and i really know its my bad. i truly apologise to my impulse.

its 24 days to a levels.

really hope our friendship would remain strong.

i need to work harder.

i pray for my friends too.

JIA YOU PEEPS.

sorry to zhongri. yanbing. seokhoon and farveen.

thank you to zhongri yanbing seokhoon and farveen too.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008,6:22 PM

a little sadded...

如果一切可以从来就好了。如果你问我：“ 你这一生有没有遗憾？” 我的答案必定是有。：(

来到了这所学校，我的感触良多。。。

近几天的心情很不晴朗，很沉重，快窒息了。最近发生太多事情了，好烦哦！我差一点失去一个我最重视；最珍惜的朋友。他差一点永远的离开我了。我承认我是一个十分鲁莽的男人婆，很多时候做事都不经大脑的。我虽然已经18岁了，却如此不成熟，让我担心不已。怎么办？我的个性太讨人厌了！自卑！我真的得好好反省反省。真得很佩服那些能忍受我的傲慢的人。不幸的是我懂得太晚了，已经伤害了很多我挚爱的朋友，甚至家人。我怎么越变越不成熟呢？

我一定要改变！我真得不能那么讨人厌。凡事要三思而行。

成绩啊，成绩~！