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Thursday, October 09, 2008,5:53 PM

i m a lot better...

who is there when i m in despair?

who is there whenever i throw tantrums?

who is the light that gave me direction whenever i m lost?

who is the one that will be worried about me when i m sulking?

needless to say. it is my dearest daughter and jiejie. recently i dont know what wrong with myself. i have been sulking these days. so much so that i always picked up flaw on my friends. i know i must been insane. who in the right frame of mine will be picking on her friend when she is perfectly fine without problems in terms of family, or in terms of their academic. i must admit i m a person that is super impatient. i dont really like myself either. BUT that is definitely NOT an excuse for me to improve as a person.

no one in this world is perfect. but it is definitely important for me to find my balance. last week or the week. i had a really bad quarrel with my sister over something i cant really remember. it was so heated. i was really in a foul mood that day. she kept me thinking what kind of person i really are. Selfish? Impatient? Irresponsible? Rude? Late-coming? i really manage to convince me that i have all of what she said. she also mentioned that i will lose my friends with such attitude. that really slapped me hard on my face. my friends is so important to me now. so much so that i think they are of equal importance to my family. they are my great support. losing them would be such a blow to me. but yet i dont dare to rebute anything. because whatever my sister says seem to come true eventually.

but she might not know something. i m inferior, low self-esteemed, sensitive and, now, depressed. never mind of what she say. cos i realise there after what she say i started to cold war with kor. that day after i quarrel with joey before our sisl. it somehow reinforce what she said to me. that's when i realise i m really very what she said. i become very paranoid. kept thinking that my friends are going to leave me. it made me so depressed. and unhappy. i have been sulking really too much these day. i seem to lost my sense of laughter. what got worse was that i m not so close to kor anymore. i dont call him at night anymore. he dont sms me after school to ask me where i m now. he dont reply my message. he dont laugh at my jokes. he dont need my accompany le. he dont laugh at my jokes. he dont need my encouragements le. he dont talk to me every now and then. he is not my close friend now even though i still regard him as one. and i know it is not his fault. i drove him away. i get insomnia these days. it seem very definite that calling him become a routine that i tend to lose my sleep. he is really an important friend for me. and i really know its my bad. i truly apologise to my impulse.

its 24 days to a levels.

really hope our friendship would remain strong.

i need to work harder.

i pray for my friends too.

JIA YOU PEEPS.

sorry to zhongri. yanbing. seokhoon and farveen.

thank you to zhongri yanbing seokhoon and farveen too.