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Monday, November 03, 2008,10:28 PM

start of something new.

today marks the start of my 'a' levels. i felt numb actually. my heart is half-dead though. the sky remained overcast for me.

i m tired. very tired. seeing them happy is something i should be glad about. yet i felt a big titch of pain when i felt ignored. in the morning. i received the msg from kor saying he forgotten to bring his badge. i borrowed from yiwen and passed to him. in hope to speak to him before the exams. my hope was crashed when i saw him pull seokhoon away after i borrowed comb from her. yanbing was with them. i din talked to him, nor yanbing before the exams. i entered the merciless venue, when i felt really cold in my heart not due to the aircon, but my study group. we were in the same venue, but i dont feel they are near me at all. i saw him outside the venue. he righteously ignored me. i choose to believe he cant see me. but the pain robbed me hard. i didnt expect myself to be such a mood when i sitting for the exams. unexpectedly. i finished my paper 1 20 minutues before time. i had time to re-read my own essay. i wrote the essay on dreams; "How important are dreams?" after checking several times. i put down my pen and fastened the papers.

i looked at the clock ticked quietly. disappointedly i m thinking about them again. why do they feel so distant from me? as though i dont know them.

after paper 2. i met seokhoon. passing her a poster of wuzun i promise to give her a few days ago. my mood was rottened by paper 2. it was a tough paper i would say. but i tried my best. after that i met up with yiwen.

i wasnt very hungry though but i accompanied yiwen for lunch. she sensed that i was unhappy and tried to talk to me. we came to the about them. she initiated the topic and also initiated a change of topic. my mood was at the edge of the most saddening part. she mentioned about her secondary school best friends and her pae friends. i was rather oblivious. she tried to make me talk. but i barely say anything. perhaps she dont know, now i m sensitive to the word 很好很好的朋友. she dont know she had stepped on my weakest part now. it's not her fault. i chose not to explain because it is perfectly normal for people to mention about their best pals. in fact i envy her.

i went to the library with her. i distinctly know i cant focus. my brain was too packed for things. i know i should put all this aside. but i din choose to confront all this today. zhongri has done his best to torture me mentally. i brought all the encouragement card my study group made for me. i felt really great looking at those cards yesterday. that gave the verge to fight for today's exams. but what was written on the card feels different now.

initially. i thought i was able to study with yiwen. i couldnt. my mind was thinking fully about them. plus i little unhappy with what i encountered in the canteen. i request to yiwen that i go home to nap first. i was too drained both mentally and physically. sorry wen. i left you 2 again.

on my way to take bus home. i met them. it was a surprise to me though. cos i thought they left much earlier. i took the same bus with them. i smsed mommy on the bus telling her i m heading home to rest. kor was occupied with a call. well. i think he gets a little agitated over the paper though cos he spoke rather loudly. i was rather occupied with the checking of my dictionary for my vocab meanings. i got them all wrong. i was rather giddy cos i got a sit that is facing the opposite direction of where the bus is driving. bing cared about me on the bus. i told her i was feeling drowsy not sad. but she saw the loopholed through my eyes. but with my inisistent that i m fine. she din question me further. i bid byebye to her when she alighted.

i m stuck in a dilemma. i always love studying with my study group. but i dont bear to throw yiwen aside. but i always yiwen as my best pal for leisure. we had similar ideals for fashion and food. but i felt that i cant stop myself from being distracted. once again its not her fault. she also urged me to study with my study group and leave her with kenneth. but i promised her i wont leave her till after a's.

my study group...i might not be able to study with you all anymore. i really wished for it. hope for it.

Labels: 'a' levels